PCT 2021: Wading through Post-Trail Depression
I want to thank you all for your patience, as you’ve probably been wondering why I stopped posting to my blog without at least a final wrap-up post about my PCT experience. For anyone who doesn’t know, I hiked about 1,100 miles of the PCT between July and November in 2021.
Any of my readers who have experience with thru-hiking have at least heard of Post-Trail Depression (PTD), AKA Post-Trail Blues. I had heard of it from many sources before, during and after my hike, and now I’ve actually experienced it.
PTD happens in some capacity to almost every thru-hiker after a long hike. It’s essentially a negative physical and emotional state similar to depression or grief in response to complete withdrawal from the amazingness of being outside, exercising, and meeting genuine tramily all the time on trail. This typically involves a feeling of lack of purpose, loss of interest in “normal” activities, lethargy, nostalgia, sadness, lack of motivation, lack of energy, etc.
A quote that I think encompasses the basics of PTD is: “Thru-hiking tends to strip one’s values down to their very core, we quickly learn what really matters in life and how little we need to be happy when we’re awash in simplicity and deprivation. Thru-hikers then spend the next several months living that truth, and for most, it’s among the best times of their life….Then they return and most are faced with the prospect of needing more money and more stuff to live a generally less fulfilling life than they had on the trail. They are required, in most cases, to work 40+ hours per week at jobs they probably don’t love….This is not the path to happiness, and it’s made all the more obvious to those who have been through a massive mental and physical undertaking such as a thru-hike. Compounding this issue, thru-hikers may find the people they return to are often less than receptive….” (Cody James Howell from In Fitness and In Health blog)4
My First Brush with Post-Trail Depression
Getting off trail was a very hard decision to make, but I was feeling like it was time because I was only feeling the negatives of being on trail, and not really experiencing the positives that typically keep people coming back for more. Unfortunately, I went from being depressed about being alone on trail for so long, to being depressed about being off trail.
PTD is weird in the sense that it doesn’t matter how miserable you were while on trail, it’s still going to drown you afterwards. The human body loves exercise and the sun and the slow pace of nature so much that when you get home and stop spending 24/7 in the great outdoors, your body rebells by shutting down.
I haven’t done much of anything since November except be a slug on Instagram. And not on my blog IG account, which I could potentially construe as research for making money on my blog. No. I mean death-scrolling on my account that specifically only follows meme accounts and comedians.
I’ve also spent some time with family and David, but I’ve withdrawn a lot to be alone in my room as well.
It’s literally been three months and seven days since I abandoned the trail on the south side of Agua Dulce, and I haven’t written at all. (I’m a little horrified that over 3 months have passed and I didn’t even notice. No wonder my dad, boyfriend and the rest of the people in my life are hounding me about my next steps). I spent every day on trail writing about my experience and taking pictures, and the moment I got off on November 7th, I didn’t touch this blog until a few days ago on February 14th. I had big plans to become a full time backpacking blogger, monetized content and all, but I haven’t even been able to set metaphorical pen to paper, let alone make money from it.
Only recently have I started reading books again. Books have given me everything in life, literally since I was a little girl that had trouble making friends. Books also gave me life every day on trail. But I got off trail and immediately sunk into PTD and its taken this long to download a new book.
I have applied to one (1) job since I was last employed in April 2021. And I haven’t heard back from them in a few weeks so that’s a no go. Unfortunately, no job seems good enough for me, and I don’t feel motivated to find employment, especially since for the last few weeks I’ve been getting paid to do some work for my mom, grandfather and a friend.
My Experience of Emerging from Post-Trail Depression
Three months of time essentially lost is no joke. And I didn’t realize how much time I’d lost until a few days ago.
But I hadn’t only lost time. I’d lost purpose, concentration, work ethic and a sense of self that were fairly integral to my life up until I got off trail. I have felt lost and unmotivated, uncaring about the things that everyone else thinks is important for me to be doing and thinking about. I had decided that the PTD would eventually pass, I just had to let it sort itself out.
Only in the past few weeks have I regained some of that while slaving tirelessly over the work to get my grandparents moved out of the house they’re trying to sell, get their house and stuff cleaned out, boxed and organized, get some of their extra stuff sold in a massive yard sale, get some of their stuff moved into my mom’s house, and get my mom’s house cleaned up and reorganized. That’s a lot of work, my friends, but it felt good to finally be doing something important again, especially since it’s pretty much on my own terms and not a 9 to 5 office job.
David was finally able to sit me down in front of my computer (after throwing me over his shoulder and dragging me kicking and screaming out of bed) to write this post. And damn does it feel good to be writing again. I think it helps that this post might help other baby thru-hikers through their own PTD, and to help them feel less alone.
It’s taken me a few days to write this post, and as I’ve been reading about other peoples’ experiences with PTD and writing about my own, I’ve experienced a clarity that I haven’t had since before the trail. I haven’t once thought about, or wanted to think about, my post-trail future, until this moment. I’m thinking about how I’m ready to get back on trail. I even broached the subject with David, and I’m thinking about whether or not I have the funds to give it another go. Next step is call Chunky Chuckwalla up to see if he’s still interested in me joining him for his whole journey.
Post-Trail Depression Quotes that Speak to my Own Experience
Sometimes it’s hard to put things in my own words, so I’ve listed some quotes from other thru-hikers that really speak to my own experience.
- “I have no drive or purpose. What am I doing? Where am I going?”1
- “a restless feeling that I can’t quite quench”1
- “I don’t know what I should be doing, but I know I should be doing something.”1
- “When I finished my thru-hike and moved back [home], I was unable to become accustomed to my new reality of not walking north every single day. I sunk into a silent, solitary depression that only lifted a year later. I did not talk about it, I did not think about it and I did not do anything about it until it ended, abruptly, of its own accord. But when it stopped, I started talking. I found I wasn’t alone.” (Aer Parris)9
- “The normal people shopping have no idea what we’ve just done; they don’t care, and why should they when they have mouths to feed and appointments to make. They wouldn’t get it even if we took the time explain….It’s not that I expect them to care; it’s just a little awkward when I don’t know how to answer people at parties as to what we do (currently unemployed) or where we live (wherever our friends and family are able to house us). Where to even begin?” (Garrett Martin)6
- “I think of myself as a puzzle piece, and every time I do a trail my puzzle piece changes a little, and then I go back to a familiar environment and the piece doesn’t fit.”1
- “Now that I’m back to my own devices (no pun intended), I’m falling back into the same habits of needing that constant dopamine fix. Out on the trail was the expansion of landscape and a seemingly endless ridgeline to stare off into. Now I’m putting pauses on push notifications on Instagram. While I’m indoors and connected in a digital way to everyone I wish to be, there are too many things to get caught up on….We went for a walk…after trail, and in that short…tromp, just the three dings I got from messages was irritating and annoying”(Garrett Martin)6
- “Making a conscious effort to get outside and exercise seems simple, but the south is currently flat, hot, and humid. It has been a bit of a deterrent. The prospect of boring landscape and real elements of discomfort with no payoff in adventure seems daunting. I am an active identifying person who is currently in-active” (Garrett Martin)6
Poem by Kristin Marie
“Being a thru-hiker is like being a captive orca, born and raised in a tank at Sea World. One day you are put in one of those ocean pens, the big ones for orcas they want to try to rehabilitate and return to the wild. For the first time in your life, you’re in the ocean! You’re home and, while not completely free, you can sense how big and wild it is. You have room to move, room you never realized you lacked back in the tank. You live out there for five months, interacting with other orcas (also from Sea World) and other marine creatures. You can’t live fully free in the ocean because you would die out there; you have no idea how to survive totally on your own, but you can sense how vast it is, how amazing life would be if you were free. You feel so alive, no longer having to perform tricks for trainers and crammed in such a small, lifeless space.
Then, one day, you’re put back in the tank. And you suddenly realize that your entire life you’ve been captive, trained to perform tricks in a small, crowded tank devoid of life except for other captive orcas. The other orcas ask you how your trip was, what it was like. You have no idea how to describe what you experienced and no idea how to tell them what you know now. To tell them there is so much more to life outside the tank, that they are unwitting prisoners unable to live full lives like wild orcas. You’re depressed, but they tell you to get used to being back in the tank, that this is the REAL world and that pen in the ocean was just something fun you did that one time.
But you know. You felt the tides, met incredible creatures, and were no longer controlled by trainers. And every once in a while another orca comes back and you look at each other and wonder… How do we get out of this tank? And how do we wake up the others?”4
Suicide & Depression Hotlines
If you were hit a lot harder by PTD, or are having some other problems, I’d like to provide some resources for you to contact. Please find someone like a trusted friend, family member or therapist to help you through these tough times. But if they aren’t enough, call one of these hotlines:
- Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
- For deaf or hard of hearing folks, see this website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/for-deaf-hard-of-hearing/
- Para la Línea Nacional de la Prevención del Suicidio en Español, llame: 1-888-628-9454
- For the Crisis Text Line, Text HOME to 741-741
For other resources that might be more specific to your demographic and include 24-hour hotlines, see the list below:
- American Association of Suicidology
- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
- Befrienders Worldwide
- The Columbia Lighthouse Project
- Covenant House (The 9 Line)
(800) 999-9999 - Families for Depression Awareness
- The Friendship Line
800-971-0016 - I’m Alive
- International Suicide Hotline Listings
- LGBT National Hotline
888-843-4564 - National Parent Helpline
855-427-2736 - National Runaway Switchboard
(800) 621-4000
- Psycom.net
- Sage LQBT Elder Hotline
888-234-7243 - Safe Place
- Self-harm Hotline
1-800-366-8288 - 7 Cups
- Suicide Hotline Listing by State
- Suicide Prevention Action Network USA
- Suicide Prevention Resource Center
- The Trevor Project
- UCLA School Mental Health Project: Hotlines for suicide prevention and other crisis resources
- ULifeLine: Resources for college mental health
- Vets Prevail
If you live in another country, I’m not sure how effective some of these hotlines will be, but please look up your country’s options and get the help you need.
Sources
- https://thetrek.co/post-trail-depression-not-think/
- https://appalachiantrail.org/official-blog/post-trail-depression-what-its-like-how-it-happens-how-to-get-over-it/
- https://www.outsideonline.com/outdoor-adventure/hiking-and-backpacking/post-trail-depression-coping-thru-hiking/
- https://medium.com/in-fitness-and-in-health/what-happens-when-you-dedicate-6-months-of-your-life-to-hiking-then-stop-cold-rurkey-9a9f58316c59
- https://nomadhiker.com/ptd-post-trail-depression/
- https://www.hyperlitemountaingear.com/blogs/ultralight/the-other-kind-of-thru-hiker-funk-adapting-to-life-after-the-trail
- http://www.eathomas.com/dealing-post-hike-depression/
- https://believeperform.com/life-after-sport-depression-in-retired-athletes/
- https://www.rei.com/blog/hike/life-after-the-pct-post-hike-depression
- https://www.wayfaringkiwi.com/post-trail-depression/
Coming Up
I’m going to follow this post up with a few posts about what post trail depression is and how to help work your way out of it. Stay tuned!
I’ll be posting soon to wrap up my 2021 PCT experience; just give me a bit to regain my bearings.
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Kirsten is an enthusiastic, bilingual naturalist with 11+ years of experience as a non-formal environmental educator, 6+ years as an outdoor recreation guide, 6+ years as a content writer, and 13+ years as an eco-friendly horticulturist and landscaper. She has designed and maintained 2 websites dedicated to public-facing environmental and outdoor education information for community consumption. Successfully taught 5 online, multi-week zoom workshop series to 5-10 regular participants on an international scale.
6 Comments
Debbie Taylor
Hello from Washington and thank you for the update. I had no idea PTD is a thing, but boy does it make sense. I went through something similar on a small scale after a month in Africa. May you never forget the lessons you’ve learned from living a stripped down life. Our accumulation of things is a type of enslavement that drains our energy. Is it any wonder you resist the gilded cage? Wishing you all the best as you find a balance that feeds your soul.
admin
Hi Debbie! Thanks for the comment. I hope you’ve recovered from your own post-Africa experience.
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